chafostheory

chafostheory:


but i really liked him ... was there ever somebody with whom you had what amounted actually like NO real "relationship," but who you just can't seem to shake out of your brain?

a few months ago, i ran into this "subway guy." maybe i wrote about it, who can keep track? anyway, he and i used to see each other on the subway every morning when i lived "up north" on the upper west side. i always knew there was a little sumpin' there, but he seemed a bit aloof and unpleasant, really, so i didn't try too hard. anyway, we've both moved since then and, like i say, had a run-in a few months ago. and this is how it went: we meet up and hookup. he's shyish and cute and smart and seems genuinely into me. he admits that he "hoped to meet [me]" one day, and i do, too. we go out again, and once more. all good -- the final morning, i wake up and he's staring at me with a shy, cute smile on his face. so a couple days later i call, we talk about setting up plans -- he actually says "i'd love to!" but, as i had already known, he was leaving town at the same time my magazine was going to press, so it couldn't happen for a while. we determine that he'll call early the next week. which he never does.

so. whatever. guys flake. everybody says i should just assume an ex made a reappearance and get on with it. and of course, I HAVE. no big deal, right?

except, THERE I WAS, buying overpriced puppy chow (purina beneful) and cheese, and i spy the haribo raspberries by the checkout. and i bought a bag. why, you ask? "sam, you don't even LIKE candy!" and it's true. chocolate, yes, but meaningless reconfigurations of colored sugar? i'd rather eat cheese. but buy them i did and they hardened on the counter until my roommate had a party after which i was, thankfully, rid of them.

i bought them because HE bought them when we went to see THANK YOU FOR SMOKING POLE. or whatever that movie was called. i was busy not paying attention because he was busy being so very cute and teasing me about only liking the red ones. the raspberries, i guess. which i do. so ... gross cuteness, going home and meeting and then BONDING with the roommate before actually kind of nice sex.

and then the nothing.

i mean. i have no problem with the cut-off. i do it myself. a lot. but for some reason, i felt something for this guy! and i SWEAR that the thing that i felt was reciprocal interest. and that -- THAT! -- is what i can't let go of. and why i see his smile in other guys' smiles, and am reminded of his tshirt business when i get my defunker emails.

with the HOT hot models.

and, also, i'm a stalker.

but ... i really liked him.

and in the current political climate, by which i mean my insistence on meeting and dating, nice, goodlooking guys for whom i really WISH i could feel SOMETHING, that like meant, like, a lot. and it's funny because those seemingly casual few hours have now taken on all the meaning in the world. and by world, i mean, my love life. that ACTUALLY FEELING something, whatever it was, is the new bar by which all my subsequent dates are judged. so i ask you: what is that? how can such fleeting moments meld into one fairly significant event, large enough to base all the others around?

don't answer that. because i know the answer.

and that. is why i.

am alone.