Three blind mice

How was your day, Dan?: "I was walking down the street when I passed by a man with a seeing-eye dog, a big slobbery yellow lab or golden retreiver or something of the sort. My fingers instinctively curled into my palms, as I am a compulsive dog-petter, but the dog was working. You're not supposed to distract special-assistance dogs when they're doing their jobs. So I kept my hands to myself. Even though he looked so soft.

Several minutes later, after my stop in a store, I was walking back the other way--and I passed the man with the dog again. And he smiled. 'Are you Dan from The Real World?' he asked. I smiled back and said 'yes,' and kept walking.

And then I stopped. I looked at the guy. And I looked at his seeing-eye dog. 'Um...' ...should I ask this question? It might seem rude. For some reason, it softens the blow when you ask a question really slow. 'How...did...you...know...it...was...me?...'"

..turns out, the gentleman is visually-impaired with "tunnel vision." He sees things as if he's looking through a straw. Standing next to him, he could only see exactly what he was looking at: my eye but not my nose right next to it, my mouth when I talked, etc. But from afar, things spread out--so he could see my entire person when I walked into his field of vision, as I fought my urge to pet his sweet sweet dog.

So we chatted, I told him I was dying inside from the pain of not being able to pet his dog; he said I could when he took the harness off, as that lets the dog know the workday is over. But I couldn't exactly ask this guy to disassemble his seeing-eye dog's rigging just so I could give him a belly rub. "He" being the dog, not the guy. You know what I mean.

Chat chat chat, blah blah blah, he was waiting for his friend who was getting a haircut, but he's a big 'mo too, and perhaps we can all go out for something to eat later?...sure. And later I meet the friend, a big goofy (and blind) guy from Philadelphia who wears t-shirts with felt dots on the front that spell out "Touch Me" in Braille. Three gays, two seeing-eye dogs, and a glorious Miami afternoon. All in all, an interesting invite to lunch.

So the three of us meet at Cafeteria, a high-style restaurant that is really just a diner with a nice coat of white paint. They told me about a "blind conference" they recently attended in Jacksonville; I told them they were getting screwed by the convention planners, who clearly decided "Whatever, send them to Jacksonville, it's not like they can see the city sucks." But apparently there was a blind convention in Las Vegas, but that was a bit of a waste, since no one could see what was happening at the gambling tables. Good point.

Turns out, Guy #1 works for Seeing Eye, a school that trains blind people to use guide dogs. Seriously, it's a whole school, people live there for a while like it's seeing-eye-dog college. I cannot think of a cooler charity, I need to think of a way to raise funds. And yes, both guys used the term "blind" instead of "visually-impaired." Political correctness is so often for unaffected people to feel more comfortable, methinks.

The new guy ordered a hamburger, which came with a huge plate of fries; I, an extremely rude dining partner at all times, immediately reached over to take some fries from his plate. I always do this, don't eat with me if it bugs you. And I thought Ha ha, I could take as many as I wanted and he wouldn't know! But then I realized how horrible I was about to be, thinking I absolutely cannot steal this blind guy's fries, I am a terrible person, and it all turned into this big moment of guilt. So I held my hand in mid-air, and warned him I was taking his fries. He didn't care. He was too busy cracking jokes and flirting with the server, whom he presumed to be cute based on his voice.

On the topic of being forward: let me just say this...when a blind guy asks if he can "see what you look like" and holds out his hands to feel you, he knows exactly what he's doing when he reaches around and grabs your butt. Like I didn't know what was going on. Such a dirty bird.