Vividblurry: Him

I won't allow myself to think of reasons why, but I really don't want to see him tonight. I think it was the dinner date on Tuesday. I mean, the dinner part was fine and everything - put a chicken chimichanga in front of me and I'll be happy for at least 20 minutes - but the whole "Let's go for a walk" thing was a bit too much. After such a flawless meal of two Coronas, good Mexican food and great conversation, I didn't want to ruin the night by having to force myself into Romantic mode. I just wanted to go home. By myself. But no - we went for a walk.

Down Wisconsin Avenue. Past the liquor store. Past the CVS. Holding hands the entire time. Oh god, it made me so uncomfortable, holding hands with a guy in public, but looking back on it, I'm sure it wasn't the hand-holding that bothered me as much as the guy whose hand I was holding. It felt unnatural for a reason. I should have realized it then, but instead, I allowed him to sit me down on a park bench and make out with me, and I even agreed to welcome him into my apartment for a movie on Thursday night. Tonight. Oh dear god, that's tonight.

I'm telling you right now - the movie at my place? Not happening. Nope. No way. I'll be out of town this weekend and I need time to do laundry and to get a haircut. I've had a stressful week and I need time to be alone. There is so much going on in my life right now and I need to just have a few drinks in front of the TV and maybe even close my bedroom door for five minutes and let it out, just let it all fucking out. I can't do any of that shit if there's a guy sitting in my living room, expecting me to put out once the credits to "Party Girl" start rolling. So, no, you're not coming over tonight.

Which is exactly what I wrote in an e-mail to him. I had initially planned on fabricating some fail-safe excuse, like "I'll be working late tonight" or "There's a networking reception I need to be at." But when I signed into Gmail and started typing, the words were honest and truthful and completely unlike me. Lying to boys has always saved me the trouble of having to deal with the fact that I can never seem to find what I'm looking for, but for some reason - well, I think I know what the reason is - I feel compelled to be straight-up with this boy.

I'm honest today, and I hope that I'm honest next week. Telling someone to his face that you never want to see him again is never easy.