No one who reads this blog is in high school

Let's talk about high school for a moment, shall we?

(Oh, that's right. Vividblurry - it goes there.)

Many moons ago - about five years' worth - I found myself in the midst of my own personal pan pizza of Hell. (Extra mushrooms, just to add indigestion to injury.) The infernal flatbread of which I speak, of course, is none other than my attempt at representing high school by means of attributing symbolic meaning to a given object. I got an A in English Honors, needless to say.

Literary elements aside, it may come as a surprise to learn that I was not exactly the most popular person in high school. One might even say, in less generous terms, that I was not popular at all.

Sure, I had my friends. I could probably count them on one hand, depending upon the grade level. In fact, I still talk to two of them, so technically I keep in touch with nearly half of my friends from high school! Not bad, eh? Friends to the end, and all that stuff.

Looking back, the reasons for my general unpopularity are no real mystery. Behold:

1. I did not perform well in competitive sports, e.g. intramural soccer and gym class football.

2. I did perform well in the creative arts, e.g. musicals and journalism club.

3. I disapproved of drinking and smoking - and openly judged those who felt otherwise. Wow, I was a loser.

4. Oh, and also I was closeted and projected my self-hatred onto those around me.

Dude, I'm not gay. Seriously. FUCK YOU.

It would appear, then, that I didn't exactly amount to a "nerd" or a "geek" or anyone else worthy of admiring (or at least pitying) retrospectively. I was just a stand-offish douche who no one really wanted to get to know. Hmm. Well, I'm glad that's settled!

Sigh. I'm not going to be one of those people who long to go back in time and do things over again - but, damn it, what I wouldn't give to go back in time and do things over again! If only I knew then what I know now. Namely, that I'm gay and that permanent records don't mean shit. Armed with that sort of wisdom, surely I could rule the school!

The only reason high school came to mind today is because I spent all of last night Googling, Friendstering, Facebooking and Myspacing everyone in my 2001 yearbook. (I also took a stab at the upperclassmen in my 1999 and 2000 yearbooks. It's funny how all the bullies now look hot!)

After three hours of iStalking, I came up empty-handed - in the sense that not a single classmate with an Internet profile of some kind identified as gay (or simply left the field blank, which is an unspoken code for "gay," if you weren't aware). I find this to be as disappointing as it is implausible. I mean, I cannot be the only guy to have walked off that stage in May of 2001, gripping a diploma and thinking, "I can't wait to get to college and start fucking men!" How could this be?!

Needless to say, I have my well-guarded suspicions. The dim-witted quarterback, for one. And the wrestler on honor roll. If I have to wait until my 10-year reunion to find out, then so be it. But until then, I'll be Googling these bitches until the vodka wears off. They're more than welcome to do the same.

via: Vividblurry

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