Add a Boy

Add a Boy

I just got a random email from my very first boyfriend. We only just very recently began speaking again (if you can call an email every few months speaking) by accident. He had hit Reply All to an email that a mutual friend had sent us and if you had a camera for my face when his name appeared in my Inbox...priceless. It had been 5 years since we last spoke/saw each other and I just sent a note to say hello, etc. He seemed very happy to hear from me and asked about my family, friends, etc. I did the same for him and was happy to hear he was doing well, etc.

We had met randomly in a club in the city and hit it off. I was a young boy of 20 (he was 26) and I was caught up in him the minute I met him. We talked, drank, etc. the entire night and eventually walked out together. Turns out this mystery guy lives only a few blocks from me. Go figure? It became an even smaller world when I learned that I was in the same class as his sister in high school, etc. He was closted and so was I, so we kept those secrets and just became "friends". We hung out, talked...OK, basically we just had more sex than you can imagine. Ever find that guy that you just totally click with? Everything about them just totally turns you on...even the faults. That was it for me.

I was away at school and he often came to visit me...I bartended in college and he would just sit at the end of the bar and drink all night. Nobody knew who this guy was or that we were together...I think that game was half of the fun. If that pool table upstairs could talk.

I remember our first date...defined as the first time we hung out together and didn't just have sex...we saw "Fargo" at the Museum of Modern Art. They were showcasing Cohen brother films and that was his favorite..so perfect for a first date (even though we'd hung out for weeks at this point). We dated for a year and a half and things couldn't have been better. Our friends often commented on what bookends we both became because we were always together...if they only knew? Then it happened.

It was a December morning probably around 4am or so. I had gotten home from a party and was getting ready to go to Factory in the city. I had called him to tell him that I was going and to tell him I loved him. He answered in a frantic manner, and told me that paramedics were working on his father. He had died and they were trying to bring him back to life. He promised to call me later. WHAT? Needless to say, I never went out and just kind of sat in my bed waiting, worrying, etc. I got a call from him crying around 11am and his father was gone. I comforted him as best as I could and promised to see him soon. I went home for days str8, driving hours at a time just to be back in forth from school and the wake/funeral. What a horrible experience that was.

It was soon after that we were driving to go out and he asked me to pull the car over. He told me that he loved me and that he always would. Would? He told me that he couldn't be gay. He can't do that to his family. He can't be that guy that lets his family down. He's the only boy of 4 children and it's even more important to him to carry his Italian family name. He would always love me, but he had to be self-less for once and put them first. He kissed me and told me to be happy. "Go out and make some guy as happy as I am", he said. He'd never forget me.

That was it...it was over.

I'll save the sordid details later of hatred and him wishing he never met me. How the thought of us together disgusted him and he wished that he could rid the world of me. I knew his dirty secret and he hated that. Actually, after months of not speaking, he saved that speech for his wedding night outside the church. He called me as they all waited inside. Yes, he's married now and no, I didn't get invited.

I'm dredging all of this up now because he's decided to email me and tell me he's going to be a Dad. He didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. How nice of him...always thinking of me first. You know, if I hadn't put the last nails in this coffin a few years ago, this might actually bother me. Instead I'm just shaking my head smiling and wondering where's a good spot to grab a drink on a Wednesday night?