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Deconstructing Sean Cody

My favorite porn site is Sean Cody (all links extremely NSFW, duh).

Yes, it's true; I watch porn online. I am not ashamed. My boyfriend lives 800 miles away, and sometimes I get to feeling frisky. By sometimes, I mean twice daily. Three times on weekends.

I enjoy Sean Cody's site because he updates frequently, and he always produces top quality videos. Hell, he recently launched Hi Def! I have, however, grown a little weary of his settings. For the last three years, every goddamn video has been shot in either the home gym or that tired ol' bedroom scene that looks like it's been furnished by West Elm. Honey, go to IKEA, spend a few bucks on some new furniture. Redecorate.

I can tolerate the stale settings because Sean Cody's guys are just my type. Athletic, muscular, clean-cut Aberzombies. I'm particularly fond of Patrick, though he only has about 2-3 more videos before that bald spot on the back of his head grows just big enough to render him completely obsolete in the gay porn industry. Patrick, could we interest you in some Propecia?

Today, Sean Cody introduced a new guy: Aiden. Cute, nice body, great smile. Once again, he's supposedly straight. For those of you unfamiliar with Sean Cody's brilliant shtick, he tries to pass off his models as innocent straight boys picked off a California beach. Is anybody really buying this crap? I'm certainly not. Yet I still read every bio because I get a kick out of his retarded prose and the latest straight-guy-in-peril dilemma. Oh no, Patrick's girlfriend is withholding sex! He's gotta pound some dude's ass to unwind.

Having read nearly all of these bios over the last three years, I feel pretty confident I can decipher the truth behind Sean Cody's lies. Here's new guy Aiden's bio along with my interpretation in italics.

Aiden's girlfriend e-mailed his pictures to us.

The bouncer at a local sleaze bar emailed to let us know there's a new hustler in town.

Her note said: "My boyfriend is really hot and doesn't have a problem getting naked. I love your site and would love to see him on it." And she was right — her boyfriend is hot!

His note said: "This dude recently developed a serious crystal meth habit and needs to make some fast cash. With a spray-on tan and some strong makeup to cover the staph infection growing on his left ass cheek, he should be perfect for your site. And he was right — though it took a lot of editing to conceal that staph infection.

We had him out for a few days and he was a lot fun! Aiden had never done any modeling before, but for a first timer he was a natural. He has an infectious smile and warm personality and a dick that just won't quit.

We paid to have his power bill turned on, so he came by. Aiden had never done any modeling before, but we got him so high he nearly fucked the camera. Did I mention he has an infection?

I think the fact that he knew his girlfriend was going to be watching his video really turned him on.

He had no idea this was going to be shown on the internet. But I promised to give him a free bag of blow if he let me suck his cock. It really turned him on.